Some Thoughts of Late . . .

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How can I sleep when .... !!!

I am so worried, concerned, troubled by, infuriated by, curious about...

the amount of food thrown away in the US alone (about 50% of what we produce),

I am worried about where all the dirty diapers, tampons, pads, q-tips, paper towels, ziploc bags, go when their one time use is over,

I am worried about the genetically altered plants and animals we eat robbing us of nutrition,

I am worried about the toxic waste the meat packing industry, coal industry creates, all giant factories really,

I am worried about the medicalization of natural bodily processes and mental "imperfections",

I am worried about our antibacterial, germaphobic, overly cautious and therefore immune weakening ideals and practices,

I am worried about the slave labor we need to keep this illusion of grander going,

I am worried about everyone else's concern with Brittany Spears' recovery and Charlie Sheens' newest shenanigan,

I am worried about thinking I need a whole fresh bowl of water to be flushed away with each of my sacred urinations or toxic poos; meanwhile some kid sits alone for two days in the Sahara desert while his nomad father fetches the same amount of water to sustain them for a short while,

I am worried about Lil' Waynes newest misogynistic homophobic thug lifestyle enthusiastic song,

I am worried about all the empty houses, condemned buildings, abundance of strip malls and SUVs,

I am worried about unexplained mass animal deaths,

I am worried about the definition of my survival being my employment status,

I am worried about the isolation technology has created,

I am worried about the fact that I HAVE a choice about marriage, my weight, my finances, my leisure, my appearance, my reproduction, my location, which university i want to attend ...

... and this is just as far as the U.S. and me are concerned ...

mass rape in the Congo,

obstetric fistulas that ostracize tens of thousands of women in rural villages,

the disappearance of the ancient Ainu culture, and any indigenous tradition and way of life,

children coal mining in South America,

pollution and corruption in Brazil,

stifling communism in North Korea,

children dying on the railways between the US and Mexico,

starvation everywhere,

Sex trafficking everywhere,

coral reefs dying ....

This isn't to say look at all these issues I am aware of, look how smart I am, and I am not some human rights activist for caring. How can you not care? This is your world too, just because it doesn't affect you directly doesn't mean it is dismissible by any means or that you can't directly help fix it. These are human problems, so unless you are a highly intelligent dolphin (in which you are affected too :-) or an extra terrestrial, then let's get on it!

But how?

No donations,

No 5Ks,

No flyers,

No posters,

No t-shirts,

No seminars,

No documentaries,

No campaigns,

No politics,

No stickers,

Let's not do anything that will create even more garbage (by this I mean unnecessary physical matter). We live in an amazing time where the internet is relatively harmless as far as environmental impact, although, the whole world wide energy crisis is a whole other ball game, but it can span the gap in seconds ... anyway, even gathering in a group and rising against isn't gonna do it, no riots, bombs, sabotaging "property", think about how Occupy turned out ... I was there, it was beautiful, but somewhat fruitless, if we did it up Egypt style maybe ... but that's kinda dangerous ... revolution on a world wide scale maybe ...

So many No's, I know, so here is my philosophy, my two cents, what keeps me up at night, the dream...

We all need five things to have a perfect, fulfilling, no impact life ... ready

FOOD,

WATER,

SHELTER,

PHYSICAL SAFTEY,

LOVE

that's it ... if your entire day was concerned with these things, life would be at its purest most fulfilling state. I mean directly, not food via grocery store, water via turning on the faucet, shelter via condo, love via texts ending in *XOXO*. I want to touch the source and origin of all of these, but while I have it in the bag, while for the most part these things are sooooo easy for me, I can help someone else achieve these essentials, and in turn, by lowering my extravagance and excess and lessening their struggle, it levels out.

This isn't philanthropy, or charity, or condescension, it isn't a hand-out, this isn't some saintly god-complex, it's just leveling the playing field, in biological terms it's diffusion, in political terms it is a singular mission of mass communism (i made that up). Of course it is futile, of course all the world won't be fixed, but I can't keep thinking in these big terms and pictures, grand encompassing ordeals, one big solution, quick fixes, complacent actions, false progress, blind progress (KONY 2012 ha ha).

Take it one day at a time? Take it one interaction at a time ... one life at a time. I have the chance, the opportunity, the privilege, to take out massive loans and get educated (still debating wether or not that is overrated, defiantly wasteful), go on a big plane and put myself in a difficult situation, I have to fly somewhere else to make myself struggle, crazy! I can ponder the problems others must encounter because obviously I am so damn comfy. I want less, I need less, I could survive on so little, so much less, and in turn I could gain so much more. While I am safe, warm, fed, watered, rich in these superficial monetary terms, I am poor in love, poor in communication, meaningful interpersonal relationships, poor in spirit, poor in understanding, poor in consideration, poor in thankfulness ...

I can give away these physical things, and in turn learn about how to gain a soul ... I'm done valuing the wrong things ... I mean, I want to be, but I still toss and turn at night, I still talk big and don't break out, I am still scared and waiting for someone else to make me, show me how, but it is getting to a point ... I want to give all my crap away that holds me down, hop on my bicycle with a couple saddle bags and go volunteer at organic farms, homeless shelters, birthing centers, and domestic violence safe houses across america. I want to dumpster dive and sleep on your couch, or in a sleeping bag by the lake, I want to gain a skill or gift that i can take anywhere, a knowledge of something helpful and in no way harmful, how to deliver a baby, fix a bike, give a back massage, sculpt sand, sew up holes in socks and pants, show you what plants you can and can't eat, speak another language, cut hair ... just those sorts of things ... I have the means to learn, just gotta get off my ass and do it!!! Stop consuming and use what we have, i need nothing new, really truly, sincerely, none of us do...

One day, historians may say, "In ancient America, people exchanged goods and services for symbolic tokens rendered in paper and metal called Mo-Ney; as technology improved, hard Mo-Ney was transformed by the introduction of by immaterial signifiers in place of physical materials, and primitive Americans gradually accepted the ethereal IDEA of a representational-value system as the foundation of their national and international economies. While this type of magical thinking seems laughable to us, this reliance upon hypothetical-value placeholders was the foundation of human life and social interaction."

It's funny, how we believe that a piece of paper or a cheap zinc coin--or promises from banks and governments that they are holding onto our paper and metal for us--has the power to buy health, success, or goods. I check my account balance and tell myself, "I have such and such level of security," but any security that is based on digital promises like that is fundamentally artificial.

My cousin posted this on facebook and i absolutely love it. I've thought about this concept but could never form the words right. Silly humans.

The Painters and Decorators are in . . .

Which is a fancy way I've heard of saying "I'm on my period" (courtesy of those sassy girls in Bend it Like Beckham). So For centuries and centuries, since the dawn of time I'm guessing, menstruation has been well, kinda a big deal, from being put on bed-rest for a week, to being considered prime for breeding, to having tribal rituals and ceremonies, to being considered unclean, to being the day you start wearing mascara and a bra and for some odd reason, maybe pheromones, boys start likin' ya and you don't mind, ... point in case the period gets a lot of attention.

Let me kinda give my little story and first perceptions of menstruation (where did "period" even come from?

My mom is very much the stereotypical girly mommy, loves flowers, always wears make-up, has big boobs and loves babies etc ... now that I list those things and realize I posses only one of those qualities, I feel I'm doing pretty good in life ;-) because face it we all know we end up like our mothers ... moving on, before I met Auntie Flow here were my perceptions ...

*a constant drizzle of bright red blood trickling from god knows where between my legs for a whole week

*several days before and during, filled with crying and outbursts and depression and cravings for chocolate and pickles

* an excruciating pain called cramps that requires copious amounts of pain killers, heating pads, days off work, a valid excuse to not do PE class.

*pads, I had seen pads, big cushy cotton balls that ... umm ... I don't know, I had heard the word tampon, I had seen glimpses of them in dark allies or hiding behind the bag of chips in the shopping cart, but had no idea what that box contained ...

Granted some of these are true to a degree, my image was all very grand and dramatic, extreme and horror-like, if it was so awful how did they hide it so well?

Then when I was 14 I had one period, I just yelled to my mom from the bathroom "I think I started my period, totally cucumber chill, walked with a waddle and insecurity for a few days, changed the panty liner waaayyyy too often.

I didn't have another period until I was 15, first week of highschool. I didn't notice PMS, I just hated how the pads felt like I couldn't move or sit normally, how I couldn't find the right position in my underwear so the menstrual blood would land exactly in the middle, because Ihad no idea where it came from really...

Slowly I became a monthly regular, and slowly I started to notice my ever-expanding bosom got even more sensitive, my lower back hurt, I felt sick to my stomach, sometimes I would cry for no reason, but all to a very small degree, I never felt ill or debilitated by it. So I decided maybe it was time to try a tampon, because these dirty feeling pads were my only major grievance. I tried at home and was extremely tense, and didn't really know where I was aiming, the paper in the box said towards my lower back?

I went to school the next day armed with tampons only, determined I would get this down. I got it in and pulled the applicator out ... but you cant put it in too far right? it'll disappear and get stuck and they'll have to surgically remove it. So I made sure I could at least see a third of it sticking out of me like a turtle head. Felt sort of funny walking, I thought these things were supposed to be comfy. Then I sat down in math class and almost let out a yelp at how uncomfortable and pushing me in all the wrong place this felt ... I squirmed for a good forty minutes and took it out immediately after class, toilet paper for the rest of the day only!

Eventually I figured out the tampon thing, the whole period thing, the whole birth control method that worked for me thing, it maintained my period at a level which was light, short, and virtually PMS free except for the whole lower back pain,

.... fast forward to me ten years later with a UTI because I didn't pee after sex and on antibiotics and a urethra numbing pill that made my pee the color of an oompa loompa.

I started my period the same day I started taking the meds and all I had was those cruddy cardboard tampons, on my period with a UTI, awesome!!! I was at work and in a hurry and kept pushing the tampon in but couldn't get the angle right, but made it eventually. Then of course i had to go poo a few minutes later and felt i should take it out, but it was pretty dry and kinda hurt, then after said poo I put another cardboard applicator in that looked like it had been made by an eight year old with a chain saw and a pile of cardboard ... weird image there ... it was rough ...

A few days after my meds wore off from their numbing and healing of my nether regions I noticed some pain, wait ... wait no ... some intense mother-freaking pain in my downstairs, I couldn't even touch the opening to my vagina without cringing, it hurt when I sat down, and when I did manage to get a fingertip in to see if it was inside too, yup suspicions painfully confirmed ... I knew I had to take the next step, a feeling was a feeling, but now I had to take out ... the hand mirror ... duh dun dun ... I had ample lighting and slowly lowered my compact down, I was horrified, swollen bright red, scratched and irritated looking vaginal opening, it was a nightmare. And then I realized, the tampons, those rough cut hurried tampons, those dry female juice sucking tampons, had done a number on my poor lady bits. For the next few weeks I was hands (and penis and vibrator and tampon and etc ...) free downstairs. In the healing process I leaked a more watery type liquid then your usual discharge throughout the day...

I didn't feel completely healed up until the next period rolled around, I was pads only this time, completely gun shy about the tampons, can't I use strips of cloth? or free bleed? or hadn't I once heard of hippies and new-wave yoga mommas using this menstrual cup thing? I fired up the old laptop and googled "tampon alternatives" ...

I read it all, it was an amazing flood of information, I couldn't believe I had only been presented with expensive bleached cotton choices, although considering the pure lil mama I had it makes sense, the word democrat or homosexual sends spams of fear and distain through her. I felt cheated and dumb, I furtively researched the hell outta menstrual cups and all the brands available, all the message boards. I settled on the Lunette cup in a lovely pale blue color and ordered up!

I told my mom and she acted horrified and scared, defended the old ways and insisted if its new its bad and scary and dangerous (there are no reported cases of Toxic Shock Syndrome with menstrual cups ... or red scraped swollen weeping vages like mine that I could find either...)

When it came time to use my new friend I felt like I needed gloves and scrubs and fancy nasty smelling antibacterial hand soap, this must be a sterile and cleanly operation. I am putting a piece of medical grade silicone in the similar shape and size to a shot glass up my hoo-ha. I folded it down to a small C shape stood in a shoulder width position and went for it, got it in about 3/4 the way and it opened up and naturally scooted in a bit further, text book awesome, much easier then my first few tampon attempts, granted they gave me the experience and familiarity with this sort of thing. I had a minor freak out when the little plastic tab at the bottom went in me too, but realized that must just be its natural settle in point in my body and if I pushed down with my pelvic floor muscles the tab would pop right back out.

That hot summer day I felt so free and comfortable and clean, I rode my bike, went swimming, went number one and number two without a worry in the world.

That evening I pulled on the tab till the base of the cup was coming out, then pinched the bottom to break the seal it had made inside me and pulled it down, such a small amount of menstrual matter, how had I been using such big absorbent uncomfortable things for so small a drop, ridiculous.

And it has pretty much gone on like that for the last 7 months or so. I adore the menstrual cup. I adore that it saves me money ($40 for 5 years!), I adore that it doesn't involve putting chemically cleaned, fiber-shedding, moisture sucking material into my body and pressing up against my cervix. I am glad it doesn't feel like a pad that could at any wrong angle leak and embarrass me or make me feel hot and sticky and smelly. I'm glad I can wear this thing all day because it can safely hold such a large amount of fluid, I love it! I'm never going back. I love my period, it's an integral part of me and my womanhood, its a beautiful natural thing, and my Lunette cup makes me feel like I am respecting and not interfering as much as possible. If I could free bleed and just let it go, wash my sheets and clothes at the end of the week, that'd be awesome, I'm an all natural kinda gal, not really grossed out about bodily fluids and processes ...

for now, I'll raise my menstrual cup in honor of hopefully finding alternatives that respect my body and work best for me, I'll openly tell people about it and offer to show it to them and explain how it works so wonderfully, I know peeps get grossed out but hey at least I'm not running around naked and rolling round in the grass after I bathe in the river ... which is of course the ideal situation :-)

Burning Memories

So I was determined enough to get myself out to Black Rock City this summer and it was amazing. However, life moves pretty fast and i want to be sure and remember some of the highlights before they just blend into a mushy rainbow swamp in my brain that hints of joy and wonder, so just making little fragmented snippets here, enjoy :-) oh and notes to self about what to bring or do next year, mucho importante!

One of the most amazing experiences was on the plane there, i started thinking about where the desert was in relation to the plane and my destination and was just hoping and praying i was sitting on the right side of the aircraft. I heard a guy in front of me talking about burning man and describing exactly where it was out the window, yay! I saw it and it was crazy huge and amazing, kinda a smooshed half circle "U" shape, i wish i had taken a picture, you could see how it fit right in this valley of two sets of hills, there were giant dust devils spiraling up and around in it, and the crazy thing is that a collection of vehicles tents and people could create this giant black mass visible from thousands of feet. I also feel pretty lucky i went a few days late because anyone else would have to pay money to get the birds eye view like that, but it was just part of my journey, a happy little bonus :-)

The drive in was beautiful, the drive there and back were really also probably in my favorite memories box, just listening to good music contemplating and admiring a different kind of nature and beauty.

We waited in line listening to techno for about 4 hours, it didn't even feel that long, I didn't even notice, just watching all the modified trailers and buses and people walking about, people trying to change lanes and get in faster ha ha. Some dude gave us a crossword which i still haven't done. There was a line of SUV's driving fast in a circle with maybe five car lengths between them all around the perimeter of the event, the rangers, i never saw them again after that, but there must have been hundreds. Once we got in i was completely lost, disoriented, in the dark and localized lights only i saw fronts of trailers and bikes and people appearing out of the dark and dusty distance, we entered in the back side of suburbia so its definitely differnt then arriving straight into the esplande, i guess i naively had it in my mind we'd pull up to the man and then go find camp ha ha. Anyway carlos had some idea of where we were so we parked, threw all the stuff out of the back of the truck so we'd have somewhere to sleep.

I don't remember it being especially cold the first night. But here was my first impression, it's like waking up in a dark room, but more then a dark room, light a pitch black vortex, no idea how far or where the horizon is, i was just floating in the middle of black with bursts of neon and other floating bodies, getting there at night was the most disorienting expierience of my life. While i could understand the space i was in, three feet around me, anything out further was completely bizarre, that neon ship in the distance could be five feet or fifty tall, it could be 20 feet away or a half a mile away i had no idea. And there was a long string of balloons with lights in them floating in the sky that you could never quite tell if it they were stars or manmade, drifting into a different line of shape constantly and changing direction, the stars couldn't even guide me at this point is what I'm getting at ha ha.

we went to the bathrooms and while i was waiting for Carlos i was approached by my first burner, which didn't happen except one other time the whole trip, so interesting that something about my face said fresh meet. He was all red and painted and pointy beard, like a friendly devil, telling me he was going to see infected mushrooms play and did i want to go with him, welcome to burning man, gave me a hug, talked with an energy and excitement and vocabulary that i had never experienced before, probably really high, on what, it doesn't matter.

We climbed the man and i still couldn't make sense of anything, the first night was a blur of walking and dancing and i was really quiet and wide-eyed. We stopped at a flaming, well what looked like a flaming mini replica of a roller coaster but what we later found out was a model of the inner ear, looked nothing like the building in Seattle (EMP) so maybe no one really knows what it looks like in there :-\ Someone asked us if we would come watch the show and help keep the crowd back a safe distance. We stood and watched but didn't really need to do anything, an older man came and watched next to me and completely related to how i was feeling, when i told him it was my first few hours ever here. He gave me such a peace of mind and said oh yeah it can be so overwhelming and a lot to take in, you can't speak or even figure out what you want to do or should be doing, its okay, it happens to all of us. Phew so i wasn't some unprepared freak who really shouldn't be here, i wasn't having a bad time, just a brain overdrive and not feeling like i had someone i was comfortable enough with to express all of this. we watched for about half an hour as a spiral of metal shot a flame from its tip, nothing too fancy, we felt bad, the metal started turning red, the noises got louder, what was going to happen? was it not working? then they shot out about 5 huge green flames, and a few giant red flames too, the heat was so extreme it took care of backing people up.

I don't remember crawling into bed, but i do remember we didn't have pillows ha ha, and luckily and amazingly enough i had no trouble sleeping there at all. Ah.

The rest is not sequential, the rest of the days and nights are all blended in together.

*The bikes*

There was so much research and thought into this trip, but the only way to figure it out is to go. I think i came too mentally prepared for the physical aspects of the event and not mentally prepared for the well, mental part of it. I read a lot about bikes, about how you must have one, i was camped about 100 feet from the very edge of the esplanade, i woke up and saw the man in front of me, so in that situation, i didn't really feel like i needed a bike, sure it was hot durning the day, so walking can feel torturous, and you do sweat contrary to myth about a magical wind and dust that wicks away all moisture. I managed to borrow a community bike and loved going on long rides simply for riding, not to look or stop or get from "a" to "b". Bike troupes are also a popular method for groups that go "club hopping" at night. Maybe it's the replacement for cars since these people need their cars in the real world, but being as i don't drive and have a bike as my main means of travel, walking was the step down the chain for me, not biking ha ha. So while most people couldn't program out the need for speed, i felt riding a bike robbed me of stopping whenever i felt like it, from connecting, admiring the little things. Also i don't care if your bike seat is made of one thousand feather mattresses, your butt is going to get so sore from riding, even as little as i did, that you cannot sit without cringing ha ha. So bikes are nice if you get your hands on one, but not necessary.

My first time riding a bike at burning man was when carlos was helping friends set something up, i don't remember, but i wanted to go have some alone time at the Temple, so i walked the mile there and read, observed, everyone is quiet and in slow motion there, its the most spiritual place i've ever felt, even with all the church i've attended ha ha, surprise surprise. A lot of people wrote about someone close to them dying, I had a hard time finding a place to write, but i did, i sat in the dust and kind of wrote down what i knew i was capable of and what i was tired of acting like was my potential. On the inside there were people sitting, everyone meditating and i wanted to sit and have some peace, i found a spot behind a pillar, real cozy with someone on either side and eventually people in front of me practically sitting on my legs, jammed in like sardines. The temple was playing this series of bells and chimes and gongs, very sporadic and dissonant, a random note every thirty second, every two minutes, no real rhyme or reason. I sat there with my eyes closed and my hands in my lap focusing on the noises. And it happened so slowly, so subtly, the noises became a little more frequent a little more melodic. I was in the middle of a desert in a cheap wooden structure filled with 50,000 peoples sorrows and hopes and this cloud of introspect and spirituality made it hard to breath in there. Inevitably after about half an hour tears started streaming down my face at the thought of it all and i was just this speck here too, that is was possible and beautiful and when enough people believe in or want something, it can be. I ended up sobbing as quietly as i could and felt someone tap my shoulder, i opened my eyes barely and he asked if i was okay and i just nodded and said yeah and returned to my slumber. The music was a cacophony and overwhelming and never wanted to stop. Eventually i stood up and walked out, sobered up and tucked my exposed soul back into its safe little pocket in my chest cavity. i circled the temple several times scouring the bikes for a community bike, eventually i found one and was ready to ride for hours until the sunset. I weaved all throughout the playa seeing new art and at one point jumping my chain, in a badass moment of radical self reliance when i could see no one around me i laid the bike down and figured it out. Good thing because that happened about every 1/2 hour with this bike. I rode through the streets of the burbs till i hit the outer edge, i could see where cars were entering and i could see far in the distance a camp of people i later found out were the no sound no electricity camp, the hippies of burning man, that's extreme. I rode around the outer edge for about five to six hours length, we were at four o'clock and esplanade and i started on the edge five to six hours out, not time, times measure distance here, since there is no time, i never knew what time it was, i lost it, or just realized it doesn't exist. anyway rode my "found" bike forever and managed to find camp again :-)

More bike stories! The night before the man burned they burned this giant trojan horse and we parked our bikes somewhere among the circles of art cars surrounding it. It was taking forever for the event to go down, we had been wondering and talking and there were piles of bikes everywhere, but where were ours? ha ha we played a game, each person got a turn try to remember and lead the group to the locations of our bikes, we were so turned around and fuzzy minded it took about an hour, watching the horse burn was amazing, the way it was constructed it fell down like a horse kneeling back slowly, it looked so natural.

*Night Time*

There was always some giant wooden structure burning, some nights six or seven, and you would say oh i saw that sculpture the other day, didn't know they would burn it. The smoke and heat and embers were overwhelming. Everything was burnable or shot flames, one of the coolest things was this octopus that shot flames from each of its arms that wiggled up and down and everyone danced around, and on top of that it was a mobile art car, everything shot flames and was mobile!

After we watched the Man Burn, which was insane, mushroom cloud flame explosions, fireworks, that was such a sensory overload experience i don't even remember it, i have to see pictures, but i heard i was there, i gave away all my necklaces that night. Those necklaces were a huge hit. Anyway after the man we really wanted to ride an art car around at night, we couldn't find any, me and ellen chased a pirate ship and ran beside it for a good long while, i forgot i had a lower body and just kept to the side of it, green and blue neon pumping with the rhythm of their awesome music, they couldn't stop and let us on but we ran beside them and danced and had just as much fun, i felt like i could've ran indefinitely but we had to get back to the group.

We never found an art car at night but we did go on one of the other most amazing things i saw that year, some one made an exact replica of an old fishing dock, except it started at the ground and went up about 30 feet. It had the little hanging lanterns and a tackle shop (i.e. bar) it felt like donkey kong 2 on the pirate levels. At the end there were fishing poles and i don't know what happened but all the sudden paul had a pole and was like lets go fishing. At that point i was in total fantasy land, and thats what so great about this place, its a playground and your imagination is reality. In that moment i was going to catch fish, sit and wait patiently for them. We had no line so we all took apart bracelets, strips of chord, whatever we had on our person and tied them together to fish for hippies at the end of the dock. Me and carlos went pee and when we returned paul was still patiently fishing and i bit the end of the line and put up a good fight before i let go, i put bracelets and burning men on the end of the others fishing poles and then we all headed out again, that was one of my favorite places and memories, i truly just did whatever my mind drifted to. once you were on the dock everything else was water, a sea of possibilities bwa ha ha

Besides peeing behind random trailers near center camp and lounging in a circular room with canvas walls made of amazing paintings and Christmas lights overhead those are my best night memories. There was a lot of walking around and man was it freezing, biggest regret not dressing warm enough. The music was okay but not reliable and no one danced as much as i would have hoped or wanted but the DJ stages were incredible.

*The Days*

Days were spent eating pickles and loaves of bread, having communal sandwich time, chips and salsa time with the neighbors, Learning and partially experiencing dunkaroos (dip head in ice cold cooler water, get slapped across the face, chug a beer), very refreshing. We walked around and explored the camps, got free drinks, sparkle camp, arctic camp, giant croquet game camp, Charlie the unicorn art car of wonder. Art cars are the best way to have public transportation, mobile party with great music and no destination.

I didn't meet a lot of people or go to many scheduled events, i had a hard time finding the right headspace to just put myself out there and go for it, my instinct was to be hard and cold and protective like i was in a big scary city, but quite the opposite would be better. I also didn't really know the person i went with, i mean you can know about a person but not know what their inherant attitude and level of adventure and willingness to be ridiculous enough to just be yourself is. I am a very strong independent person and it was hard for me to be watched and questioned and worried after so much i got extremely frustrated not feeling like i could be comfortable saying or doing what felt natural, the event itself was amazing but there was a lot of awkwardness with my travel companion that tainted a lot of the trip. So i am just saying make sure you know who you are going with or go alone.

I did a lot of research prior about what kind of shoes to wear, and tennis shoes are fine, really, nothing fancy required, they do get pretty trashed so cheap is good. i didnt changed socks three times a day like i thought i would from all i had read, my skin didn't turn into a cracking peeling dry mess, i didn't get sunburnt, I didn't keep track of how much water i drank but i never got dehydrated. I only showered once, the weather was extremely mild that year and baby wipes were fine. People did litter and pour liquid on the playa and the bathrooms are the most disgusting thing i have ever encountered, you can smell the cleaning trucks coming a mile away, go in the morning after they are cleaned, at night is hard because it's dark, but since its not baking in the sun they don't smell as bad.

Things i didn't bring i wish i had:

Knife

Granola bars

pillows

hats (no shower, no hair worth showing off)

warms clothes (leggings, fur coats)

a rug for the ground or tent

camping chairs

But really other then that we were pretty prepared and i made do quite well :-)

So overall burning man is amazing, you will have some great times the first time, but i think it is just really the year of learning and understanding, second time around will be the real experience :-)

:-)

A Quiet Intensity

Man oh man (Hey there's an expression that raises some gender questions), I have been meaning to get a going on here forever. So much has happened in the world! I am currently enrolled in a Women's Studies 101 class, and while most of it's old news, it is good to have a more constant reminder to think about the things i love to think about, phew, yeah, weird sentence there. Slight rabbit trail here, but in learning another language analyzing your own native tongue is inevitable. I mean i start to realize that in all my dis-conjointed, broken, pitched, poetic and cryptic ways of speaking i am a master of the spoken english language. Of course with reveling in my own genius i realize it will take just that much skill to acquire another and i am truly discouraged and heartbroken. Okay, moving on, women ... feminism ...

There are many sad things that happen to women, prejudices and unseen, unspoken gender roles, soooooo thought to kick things off i would address something i experienced today and had a large discussion with my sister about later, that is kinda of a plus side to being a women. Thus begins my tale of wonder ;-)

I was to go to my sensei's mailbox after class to pick up an assignment she had so graciously corrected for me when I couldn't be there. I asked the secretary if it was okay to just snag it real quick and she said i needed ID. hmmm, no wallet, shoot. "No bus pass, license, school ID, assignment or books with your name on it?" ummm, it's all in Japanese... luckily my teacher wrote my name on the envelope in Japanese and it looked the same as the name on some old homework and I made it out with the papers and a heap of flusteration and embarrassment.

So I'm not addressing the fact I'm an idiot without a wallet, or that we can't be trusted to leave papers in a safe place and have the right person retrieve them, not the fact that some teachers are just amazing and actually care about your education and will do all they can to help you out ... hmmm now what could it be, what was interesting about this scenario I wonder ...

It's the fact that had I been maybe a little less inclined to smile and apologize profusely, or perhaps if i hadn't been dressed like a bit of a classy secretary myself that day, or hadn't been obviously shuffling through a pile of japanese homework, or, and here it is, maybe perhaps if i hadn't been a girl ...

Sometimes I forgot that because we (women) are thought of, ideally, as nurturing, honest, kind, simple creatures, people assume we are, and are often right, there was no swindling on my part here, an honest mistake.

I've started noticing scenarios in my life that if I replace myself with a boy dressed in dirty clothes with a 5 o'clock shadow and terse tone, it wouldn't happen that way. I start to recall several times in my life when I got treated better just because I was a girl, you respect them because they're ladies, or try to kill them with kindness so you can get in their pants, either way. Once when I was 15 I was getting my picture taken for my permit and the man behind the counter asked me all sorts of questions about my life, thought I was a fascinating young lass, and took my picture over and over until I said I was happy with it. Or men letting me go first in the grocery line, sales clerks offering me samples or assistance in stores, I don't know why these preconceived notions thrive, but what really disturbs me is how much we can get away with. I don't mean just by the flirting and giggling and distracting men with cleavage tactic, because it works with other women too, i mean just by having a vagina.

I recently watched this video

(yeah, this one, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ge7i60GuNRg),

and it really got me thinking. A middle-class+ women, of any age, can get away with littering, shoplifting, stealing dinnerware from a restaurant, taking extra free samples, hogging the newspaper at the coffee-shop, leaving the bathroom stinky, being late to anything, burping, farting, not tipping, not putting in enough bus fare, stealing another students homework, cheating on a test, etc. and not get confronted by a man about it, or even noticed doing such things at all, you'd never suspect. While maybe its not for good reason, it is kind of nice to be invisible sometimes :-) Not that i want to get away with such things ... but more often then not in my life i don't get noticed for anything more then my looks until i ask for it ...

I wake and ...

I wake up hoping I'll have the will to study Japanese.

I wake up hoping the sun is out and I am ready to let it warm me inside and out.

I wake up wanting to arm every girl and women with a shield of strength and independence. Hold her and say you must be careful and protect yourself, love who you find inside, not who you feel you have to act like on the outside. Educate yourself! Question everything!

I wake up wishing there was a warm body next to me to snuggle up against.

I wake up hoping I am in a new place full of acceptance and possibility, that will make my heart swell and burst with beauty and improvement of life all around me.

I wake up wishing I could go for miles and miles, that I could walk to this place where I realize how little and unimportant my sadness and worries are.

I wake up wishing to feeling rested and calm and happy to be here, excited to be around the people that are in my life, to feed off their energy and motivation and create a bubbly collective progressive movement of our own.